All Your Shit Belongs To Us [Episode]

BLACKBELL A. WREN

“It’s a good day today~”

A simple, sing-song statement broke through the crisp air from the highest point of the ship Big Time, known to house the fearsome Primetime Pirates. Likely to stick out like a sore thumb amongst the crew was Blackbell A. Wren with her plush silver tail and sweet, plump cheeks. However, on account of her being part of one of the smallest tribes to ever set out on the seas, the Tontatta tribe, it wasn’t so unfathomable to believe that she was a fairly low-profile member. It didn’t help that the individual in question had small ambitions when it came to obtaining notoriety for herself, but that wasn’t to say the dwarf didn’t have an insatiable appetite for trouble. In fact, the sole reason as to why she was perched so high up on the tiny flag that waved over the crow’s nest was that she was on the lookout for said trouble.

“No, silly, no one will mind!” she declared ostentatiously to no one in particular. That is, only the various imaginary creatures and companions only she could see. “Who’s to notice a little tontatta like me leave and come back every now and again?”

A moment of silence passed, before a black ship dipped above the blue horizon.

“Ohh how about that one?!” she shrieked excitedly, leaping to her feet and leaning with only her tiptoes clinging to the edge of the narrow platform and one hand gripping the tiny flagpole to secure her safety. “No!” she snapped in a abruptly grumpier voice. “Too small. Doesn’t look like there will be more than five people on board.”

“Oh,” she sighed dejectedly, flopping back down with her back against the pole. “We’ve been here for almost twenty minutes already and still nothing to appease you!” She pouted and glared at the horizon, watching vigilantly. “Patience, patience...gah! Patience is so boring!”

The tontatta was close to giving up before a black haze drifted up in the distance. Pausing, Wren narrowed her eyes and lifting a hand to her brow to shield against the noon sun beating down on her. When a hulking grey steamship slowly climbed up the horizon, a trail of dark steam unwinding from the vent, her hazel eyes widened with triumph.

“That’s it!” she exclaimed. “That’s something we can all agree on, right?”

A series of murmurs went off in her head, but she simply leapt off the platform without waiting for the other voices in her head to reach an agreement. “You snooze, you lose!” she cackled gleefully, reaching around her back and pressing a button. There was a soft click before the mechanical wings on her back sprung open, gliding her safely down to the deck.

“Time to party!”

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BLACKBELL A. WREN

Swooping down towards the deck, Wren was just about to perform a brilliant landing when leathery fingers suddenly coiled around her entire body. Wren let out a high-pitched cry and her wings protested as they came to a feeble stop. “Unhand me, you brute!” she shrieked, flailing helplessly at the grunt who was assaulting her. “I’ll have you know I make a very scary giant!”

“Yeah, yeah, we’ve all seen how extra giant your tail can get,” scoffed the grunt, which immediately transitioned into a pained “Eep!”

Wren dug her teeth into the Primetime grunt’s thumb, her hazel eyes narrowed with determination, but she was quickly dislodged as the grunt wrenched her by the waist with two fingers from his other hand. “Sorry, Little Miss Fluffy, but it’s captain’s orders,” he grumbled, though his beady eyes twinkled humorously.

He then proceeded to pitch the poor dwarf across the deck and she tumbled piteously through the air until she smacked into the wooden mast of a small sailboat. Groaning, she sat up unsteadily with her back against the pole, stars dancing around her head and spirals in her eyes until she chased them away with a vigorous shake.

“Why, that grunt,” she snarled, leaping up to her feet and shaking her tiny fists in his direction, where he waved cheerfully from the deck of Big Time. “I’ll have your head for this! Your head!!” Her voice crescendoed with her growing rage, until her voice suddenly mellowed. “Huh? Is it just me or is he getting further away?” Her rage erupted again. “Of course he isn’t! Get him, Wren! Get him!!!”

A wave suddenly smacked against the side of the sailboat and her head fell backwards into the mast. “Ow…” she whimpered, dropping down and clutching her head painfully. “What was that for?”

“...you know what this trip is about, right?” a disapproving voice sounded from above and she glanced up to see a white-haired woman glaring down at her.

“Trip?” asked Wren, her earlier pain quickly forgotten and straightened her back with her her arms crossed, tilting her head slightly in display of her confusion. “Sure, sure, that one. Who are you again?” But without waiting for a reply, impulse took over once more and she abruptly spun around, scaling up the mast in a flash. “Bah, who cares, what happened to that steamship?”

However, to her dismay, when she reached the top and past the sails, the steamship was no longer anywhere in sight. “No!” she cried angrily and she slumped against the boat’s flagpole, hardly noticing Primetime’s flag fluttering proudly. “I should have taken that grunt’s head when I had the chance!” A small tantrum with flying fists ensued until it came to another abrupt stop, a single tear still hanging suspended in the corner of her eye. “Wait, didn’t he say something about captain’s orders?” She closed her eyes and rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “And what was that about a trip? Hmm...gah! I’m bored again! Whatever, let’s take a nap.”

With her mission clear enough, she rolled over on her back and was soon snoring loudly with her arms and legs spread out like a starfish. Despite the heat and sun beating down on her from above, with nothing but the Primetime flag defending her against it, Wren slept peacefully. Her porcelain skin should have been a concern for her and she was bound to wake up with red, painful splotches all over her face. But the second a hint sunburn appeared, her skin instantly made its transition to brown and this was the first sign of an ensuing phenomenon soon to take place. By the time the sun had risen to its position at noon, Wren’s silver locks had lengthened down to her waist, her body had grown to that of an adult human’s and her face had restructured to a handsome young man with a chiseled jaw and a shadow of a beard. With her, or his, new body, Wren’s arms and legs were now dangling over the edge of the platform, his head tilted back with his neck curved around the edge (his snoring amplified with such an uncomfortable disposition) and his fluffy tail swaying lazily in the air as he continued to sleep.

Until… “Oi! See anything up there?”

The harsh voice jolted the young man awake and he jerked up with his legs crossed, his hands holding his ankles together. In his precarious position, he quickly found himself careening back and forth on the platform. “See...what?” he mumbled sleepily, despite it, his vision still bleary. “See...huh?” Having failed to recognise his dangerous situation soon enough, Wren then toppled backwards and off the platform.

There was a split second where, in Wren’s mind, he was held suspended in the air and it was in this split second did Wren finally comprehend his situation. He stared at the platform, his hands feeling like they were shackled to his ankles and then the second was over. With a cry, his hands fell away from his ankles and reached forward as though to grapple for the edge of the platform but instead, he was left flailing and screaming until he hit the deck of the sailboat. It seemed today would be a day of falling and smacking into things.

Groaning, he rearranged himself and sat upright, rubbing his head painfully. However, before he could recover by very much, his back prickled and he peeked warily over his shoulder, already expecting to see the woman from earlier staring coldly back at his.

“Of course I saw something,” he said boldly with an air of arrogance, as though to hastily cover up his clumsy blunder. “Right there, see?” He stabbed his finger in a random direction and to his surprise, bobbing in the distance where his finger pointed at was a massive pirate ship with the crossbones and skull flapping above it. “Yeah, I saw that.”

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BLACKBELL A. WREN

Wren always had a problem with her attention span and while some of the blame fell on the countless voices squabbling in her head, most of the blame could really be accredited to her notoriously bad habit of filtering out everything around her, until the only thing left to focus on were the finer details she believed would offer some unlikely form of entertainment.

Unfortunately for her friend, Wren was more so focused on wrecking havoc upon the very ship she’d fortuitously discovered through some strange chance of luck and less so on the words she should have been listening to. Something about “bigger matters”...

Did she say “bigger”?

What. An. Excellent. Idea!

Wren didn’t often like to change her appearance unless otherwise necessary, but in celebration of a newfound friendship with this strange white-haired woman, Wren thought it was only appropriate to take her advice.

When did the two become friends when Wren didn’t even know the woman’s name? Well, they had exchanged several lines without killing each other, so it must be true, correct?

“Wait, why do I get the feeling that getting bigger on this teeny, tiny boat is a bad idea?” the young man asked himself suddenly. He dwelled on the matter for a split second, but the impulse to act upon an idea was too great and he shook his head vigorously. “Nonsense! When is it ever a bad idea to become a giant?!”

He stretched his arms over his head and grinned. The change was undetectable at first, but gradually, his limb began to stretch, his torso lengthened and his head inflated. The change was slow and purposeful, and as Wren waited, he scratched the stubble on his chin.

“Wren, I really think you’re forgetting something here…”

Suddenly the boat rocked precariously, pitching the young man sideways. He toppled to the edge of the boat and by the time he rightened himself, his face was inches away from the waves chopping against the side of the wooden boat.

“Wren, you idiot!” he shrieked. By this point, he was already big enough so that he could plant each foot on either end of the quivering boat. “I can’t swim!”

Clinging to the mastpost, his frightened whimpers were lulled by the gentle sound of the waves smacking against the side of the boat. His heart leapt with every miniscule movement the boat made. He suddenly remembered the white-haired woman who had given him the idea to giantify in the first place and his eyes searched frantically.

His eyes snapped onto the ship he had scouted earlier and he narrowed his eyes, trying to catch a glimpse of his companion. Digging into his pocket, he pulled out a pair of binoculars and snapped the buckles over his head. With one hand still hanging on for dear life, he toggled with the settings, zooming in and out until he caught a flash of white hair.

“Found her!” he grumbled. “I’ll have a word or two with her…”

Suddenly the boat pitched to the side and the brown-skinned, half-giantified teenager shrieked. “Eek! No! Stop! I don’t want to die!” he exclaimed, clinging desperately to the post. He had wrapped his silver squirrel tail twice around the post, the fur prickly with fear.

He wanted to shrink back to the size of a tontatta, but his frantic disposition didn’t allow him. If only he had tried harder to master the powers of his fruit, but he simply hadn’t prioritised it enough.

“What the hell is going on?”

A snappy voice suspended Wren’s cries and he glanced down cautiously towards a flashy youth who had somehow dragged himself onto the tiny boat while Wren had been in full panic mode.

“Oh, pleased to meet you, Mr. Guy,” he said tremulously. “I have to say that I strongly discourage any attempts to kill me right now, because I’m currently in the process of being murdered by this boat. Personally, I think you should take command of the boat before attempting to kill me on that bigger ship where you’ll have more room. What do you say?”

His voice was growing higher and higher with every word he spoke, until by the very end, he squealed out another unnecessarily hysterical, “Well?? Decide quickly, because I think we’re sinking!”


The ship the white-haired pirate had boarded belonged to a crew of pirates called the Loony Pirates, termed after their captain “Loony” Lulu. Loony didn’t make much of an effort to show her face around often; it was why despite the local notoriety of the small-time pirate crew, they hadn’t quite managed to breach further waters.

Yet her name still appears in whispers. Few had actually come face-to-face with the unambitious captain and of those few, none had escaped with their mind quite intact, if they escaped at all. Her epithet was not testament to her own character and was instead a testament to her influence. Even her crew was not completely right in their mind...

While many had sunk unconscious beneath waves from the invading pirate woman’s paw abilities, some of Loony’s more fervent believers were in the process of scaling the ship’s hull, their eyes white with fever and tongues lolling against the side of their faces. It was almost as though they weren’t quite in control of their senses…

[Loony Dolls Attack!]

A wave of mindless grunts climbed clumsily onto the ship, their clothes heavy with seawater. They groaned as they reached for the white-haired pirate, but missed, their movements too sluggish to even graze the young woman.

“Aww, what a shame~” a lazy voice slurred from the helm of the ship.

A bored looking loli girl leaned slovenly against the banister, her messy wave of blue hair falling across her face. Her cherry-like lips pursed and she blew carelessly at one of the strands and it fluttered up, hovering briefly and revealing a set of heterochromia eyes before falling back over them.

“Who are you and why did you throw all my friends off the ship?” she demanded suddenly, pushing her bangs off her golden left eye to set it glaringly on the white-haired woman.

As she spoke, drawing out her words in lazy slurs, more and more grunts were gathering from under the sea, under the decks and sliding unsteadily from the sails. All possessed characteristically zombie-like expressions, some chuckling as they flashed their ugly, sloppy grins.

“Lu...lu...danger...must...protect…” a collective murmur rose from the crowd.

Gradually, they edged closer and closer to Ikana, surrounding her until there was nowhere left to go.

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BLACKBELL A. WREN

Lulu’s head slammed into the deck and she lay unmoving for several moments. There was a cold silence, only the low growls of the grunts rumbling from the deck below. Even their steps were muted as they prowled, their zombie-like eyes staring blankly up at Ikana.

“Lulu...Lulu…” they whimpered.

Suddenly an aura spiked.

[Loony Lulu: Busoshoku] +10% attack

It was coming from the motionless loli, still sprawled on the floor, but she had somehow flipped over on her back without anyone noticing and now her mismatched eyes glared holes into Ikana.

“Destruction...you say…” she murmured without bothering to stand. She seemed quite content to lay where she had suffered her last blow.

[Bear Hug!]

A giant lacky suddenly flew out of a trap door directly behind Ikana and he attempted to grab her into a smothering grapple. But he missed and tumbled into a group of more grunts who had climbed from the sea below.

“Useless!” Lulu hissed and lifted her hand to click at the group of grunts. “Don’t just stand there, you useless bunch of poorly fermented pickles!”

Strange insults aside, the grunts seemed rather pleased to have been addressed by their mistress and charged with a hearty battle cry.

[Swarming Dollies]

This time, the grunts didn’t miss, and piled one after another onto the paw-paw woman. They did everything they could to whittle at her defences, scratching, clawing, pulling, jabbing and poking. Eventually they pulled back and another grunt swooped down from the masts above like a pale marionette on invisible strings.

[Dancing Doll]

This grunt, with his bald head shining like a beacon under the simmering sun, successfully grabbed the pirate woman by the arms. He pinned them to her side and lifted her up, whirling her around as though he were leading her into a strange waltz. As he danced, he slammed her body into different obstacles.

“How do you like that?” asked Lulu, smirking. She had finally chosen to get back onto her feet and now sat perched delicately like a pretty doll on the bannister. “But, I’m not done with you quite yet…”

[UT: Loony Lulu]

The dancing grunt suddenly took a sharp turn and smashed Ikana’s face into the deck.

“Yes...that’s better,” giggled Lulu, lifting her bare feet and, if Ikana had yet to move away, planted one square on her head. “Much, much better~”


“Soooo, Nada Guy, was it?”

Wren had finally calmed down from his previous hystericals and while he wasn’t quite ready to part with the only sturdy support in his life (the mast), he was more than comfortable trying to engage with the pirate in a casual conversation.

“Have I introduced myself yet? I’m Wren. I have other names, but I like this one the most,” he yabbered on cheerfully.

If it weren’t for the tail still wound tightly and unyieldingly around the mast, one wouldn’t have thought he was still freaking out inside. It just so happened another personality had decided to take over and this one was doing his very best to ignore the ceaseless mass panic in his head.

“Oh, shut up, you lot! You’re giving me a headache!” he snapped suddenly, but he immediately recovered and turned back to Nada Guy with an apologetic smile. “Not you, of course. You wouldn’t think so just by looking at me, but I’m actually a very complex person.”

He giggled, not really caring if Nada was replying; he just needed something to help him take his mind off his still very precarious situation.

“Thank you so much, by the way,” he said abruptly. “I have no idea what I would have done if you hadn’t come along and helped row the boat over to that bigger boat. Wren can be so stupid sometimes. I can’t believe she thought it would be a great idea to grow. I’m only glad we didn’t get any bigger! Right?!”

The bow of the little ship came to a steady slow as they came closer to Loony Lulu’s pirate ship and while Nada threw the anchor down, Wren tentatively gripped the top of the ship and pulled his body up.

“Yes! This is much more stable!” he cried cheerfully, stretching his still-giant arms over his head. “Now…”

[Fee-Fi-Fo-THUMB!]

Without warning, Wren turned around and leapt into the air. His body shrunk to the size of a tontatta and hovering in the air for a moment with his mechanical wings, he pulled his arm back before launching his hand forward as though to slap the empty air in front of him. But, before he could make a fool of himself for seeming to hit nothing, his hand giantified, leaving the rest of his body small, and he used his giant thumb to sink the tiny boat.

When he fell and landed back on Lulu’s ship, he was back to his half-giant size, puffing his chest out proudly. And then he gasped.

“Wren, what the hell was that?!” he screamed, looking horrifyingly down at the shipwreck below, which was little more than planks of wood bubbling under the surface of the waves. “Nada Guy was still on there!!!”

“Oh, shit!” he said, his eyes wide and his jaw slack as he stared down. “No, wait! They’re alright! They must have dodged...Phew!”

“Well...do you want to fight them?” he paused, thinking over the question he had posed to himself. “Actually, yes, I would! Well, they’re probably already really, really mad at me...so I might as well…”

[Strike the Twelve]

“Sorry, Nada Guy! If it means anything, I really enjoyed our conversation!” pulling out a rod from his pocket, Wren clicked the little button on the bottom and it grew into the size of the ship’s mast.

Heaving it over his head, Wren grunted with exertion before bringing it down on Nada Guy’s head. “Tsk, I missed again! This one sure is slippery…”

[UT: Wren]

Pulling the pillar back, he shrank it down and slipped it back into his pocket. In the same fluid movement, he lifted his foot and stomped down on the deck, crushing Nada under his heel. “Ah! Finally got you!”

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