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- Goldmonger
[tracker=/t1979-dax-morgan#10865]
Name : Dax Morgan
Epithet : Goldmonger
Age : 25
Height : 6'5"
Weight : 250
Species/Tribe : Human
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Shichibukai (Future)
Crew : Gold | Works
Ship : Cleopatra
Devil Fruit : Goru Goru no Mi
Bounty : [ber=r] 27,900,000
Quality Score : S
Income Bonus : +0.20 (to all allies); +0.11 (from turf)
Shop Discount : -25%
Crew Pool : [bel=u] 251,075,000
Balance : [bel] 0
[[hardboiled]][[berryprinter]]
[[ancientzoan]]x2[[logia]][[firstaidkit]]
Turf : [turf=/t353-turf-details-rubeck-island#1168]Rubeck Island[/turf]
Posts : 235
Re: [Lvneel: Contestation Arc] [Part III] Disaster Breeds Sin - A Bittersweet Symphony
Sat Mar 20, 2021 10:09 pm
Dax picked his ear as he pretended to ignore Newport's incessant barking once more, wiping the wax onto the railing after inspecting it. "Tch. Worth a shot bwahahaha.~" He mumbled to himself as the parasol wielding woman deflected the spear away from Castor, shooting him a menacing stare along with a smart ass introduction as well. "Ooooo fiesty, I like that!"
The misfit Nox pirates lined up across the deck, marking the the first time in history that the North Blue witnessed the groups terror. Something the world at large would one day witness as well. But for now, Lvneel was broken to their whim, collapsing under the might of the crew and their fearsome, impish leader.
The sky above them turned black as the beast bubbled and oozed together, the black sludge eating itself as it grew larger and larger. Finally taking shape. A giant , monsterous bird like creature, releasing a blood curdling cry upon its birth the avian flapped its menacing wings, kicking up gusts of wind and waves, focing the boat to sway. "....Well fuck.." Dax sighed as the beast looked down upon them like a predator does prey, specifically its next meal.
Dax turned to Castor as he began to speak, however the Goldmonger's attention was quickly diverted to the rack on Minerva. "Oof. You ain't wrong." Mockingly motioning as if he was fondling them.
Once more Castor's words brought him back, Dax watched as the tiny pirate captain sculpted the lightning into a raging dragon. A spectacular move for a prideful person. "Tch. Spikes my fuckin ass!" Veins bulged as his eyes went white, using his powers to the max as he mustered every bit of gold he had stored on the ship, Lvneel treasury and all. "I... ain't.....gonnna be no...second fucking best... to some...short...little....f-fuck!!!"
Amassing into two large serpentine like dragons, Dax controlled one with each arm as they danced and spiraled in the sky. Almost like animals in nature, the lightning dragon was naturally attracted to the dancing twins, chasing the pair wherever they went, he nipped at their tails playfully as they rose into the sky before beginning their descent. Then, with the courtship ended, the trio descended. Downwards they spiraled, forming a lighting filled helix of gold and flashing light, a spear from the heavens sent to obliterate the darkness. On contact, the lightning released a thunderous crack as it caused the monster to rupture and explode. Black sludge and gold dust scattered everywhere as the ooze began to smoke and evaporate away unto nothing. While the gold returned to its master.
With a smug look Dax glanced over at Castor and smiled, "That counts as my kill."
WC: 448 (4,448/5,000)
The misfit Nox pirates lined up across the deck, marking the the first time in history that the North Blue witnessed the groups terror. Something the world at large would one day witness as well. But for now, Lvneel was broken to their whim, collapsing under the might of the crew and their fearsome, impish leader.
The sky above them turned black as the beast bubbled and oozed together, the black sludge eating itself as it grew larger and larger. Finally taking shape. A giant , monsterous bird like creature, releasing a blood curdling cry upon its birth the avian flapped its menacing wings, kicking up gusts of wind and waves, focing the boat to sway. "....Well fuck.." Dax sighed as the beast looked down upon them like a predator does prey, specifically its next meal.
Dax turned to Castor as he began to speak, however the Goldmonger's attention was quickly diverted to the rack on Minerva. "Oof. You ain't wrong." Mockingly motioning as if he was fondling them.
Once more Castor's words brought him back, Dax watched as the tiny pirate captain sculpted the lightning into a raging dragon. A spectacular move for a prideful person. "Tch. Spikes my fuckin ass!" Veins bulged as his eyes went white, using his powers to the max as he mustered every bit of gold he had stored on the ship, Lvneel treasury and all. "I... ain't.....gonnna be no...second fucking best... to some...short...little....f-fuck!!!"
Amassing into two large serpentine like dragons, Dax controlled one with each arm as they danced and spiraled in the sky. Almost like animals in nature, the lightning dragon was naturally attracted to the dancing twins, chasing the pair wherever they went, he nipped at their tails playfully as they rose into the sky before beginning their descent. Then, with the courtship ended, the trio descended. Downwards they spiraled, forming a lighting filled helix of gold and flashing light, a spear from the heavens sent to obliterate the darkness. On contact, the lightning released a thunderous crack as it caused the monster to rupture and explode. Black sludge and gold dust scattered everywhere as the ooze began to smoke and evaporate away unto nothing. While the gold returned to its master.
With a smug look Dax glanced over at Castor and smiled, "That counts as my kill."
WC: 448 (4,448/5,000)
- Castor O. Nox
[tracker=/t980-castor-o-nox#4771]
Name : Castor O. Nox
Epithet : Sanpaku | The Azure Pheasant | Duke Of Lvneel | Saint Nox
Age : 25
Height : 5'9"
Weight : 175lbs
Species/Tribe : Three-Eye Tribesman
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Blockbuster
Alliance : -
Crew : Nox Pirates
Ship : The Wailing Calamity
Crew Role : Captain | Navigator | Book Collector | Pride Sin
Devil Fruit : Goro Goro no Mi
Bounty : [ber=r] 620,000,000
Quality Score : S
EXP Bonus : +0.20 (To all allies)
Income Bonus : +0.42 (Turf); +0.10 (Blockbuster); +0.20 (To all allies)
Shop Discount : -20%
Crew Pool : [bel=u] 96,000,000
Balance : [bel] 2,470,815,020
[[baneoftheweak]][[riseandshine]][[dreamsneverdie]]
[[bookworm]][[untouchable]][[childofdestiny]]
[[punchoutguru]][[berryprinter]]
Turf : [turf="/t296-turf-details-lvneel#1110"]Lvneel[/turf] [turf="/t309-turf-details-st-poplar#1124"]St. Poplar[/turf]
Posts : 795
Re: [Lvneel: Contestation Arc] [Part III] Disaster Breeds Sin - A Bittersweet Symphony
Sat Mar 20, 2021 11:18 pm
Sanpaku (산빠쿠)
The magician’s greatest tool is the ability to make an audience focus candidly on one ‘bait’ action while the actual ‘trick’ occurs right before their very eyes. The showmanship of the squawking terrors made Castor truly understand the magnitude of people that Celestial Dragons kept in their retainer, and as such, his attention was dedicated into slaying the grotesque monster.
Meanwhile, Stein vanished along the seas in his personal craft, watching the sinking Black Libra, and the scraps of the two other accompanying vessels. The servants aboard the ship were given one final command, ‘Leave no evidence.’ One by one, each of the ship staff committed suicide, whether by self-drowning, medicating or otherwise, not a single member on Stein’s staff remained in the world of the living.
As the blood and smog cleared, Castor finally realised that the man’s presence had vanished not only off his radar but from the scope of his Kenbunshoku Haki. All of the forms he’d been using were underdeveloped but yet, intermediate for the Blues at least. Saving his ass more than once when it came to scuffles against the sturdy Lvneel Knights. The Duke was left with more questions than answers, but his primary mission was now complete.
“Gashi Gashi… Such a smart ass! We won men! Return sail to the Kingdom!” Castor barked at Dax, as they descended from the heavens onto the ship’s deck.
“Looks like he got away…”
“Good riddens. His aura was absolutely horrendous. You never seem to mess with easy targets, do you Sanpaku?”
“With my goals finished here… We can continue sailing the open blue in a few days. Wherever this Celestial Dragon resides… It seems all paths are pointing to that sea. My new business partner… The Dandy Man… and even getting stronger to take on Silver. Paradise’s the next stop.”
“Well… After your wedding that is! The fucking prick got you roped into this one!”
Newport boasted before breaking down into laughter.
“M-M-Married! You’re getting married Nox?”
“Yeah. In like a couple decades.”
“D-D-Do you even understand what a marriage entails?”
“Hmmm…. I read a novel once. It’s the political union between a man and woman to solidify the unity between two families right? Often used for socio-economic influence.” Castor rattled on proudly, nodding to himself in approval at his rationale.
“Hahaha! That’s one part of it. The other half is slamming yer c- '' Newport's words were cut short by the metallic clank of Minverva’s parasol into his midsection.
“Captain… as we sail back… Let me break this down for you.” Minerva explained sighing.
As the vessel inched closer and closer back to Asgar’s port, Castor’s mind began on a new challenge, the greatest one he’d been faced with so far on all of his campaigns on Lvneel. Escaping a marriage from a love struck maiden without causing her bodily harm, now that, that was the true final boss of this mission.
Meanwhile, Open Seas - a certain Den Den Mushi call occurs.
“I’ve lost Lvneel and Vikings have returned to the seas, such an interesting turn of development.” the ominous voice at the end of the line retorted.“It’s just as you predicted. The Pirate maintained interest and took over the Kingdom. Sometimes your accuracy is scary.” Stein reported.
“Well. We needed to dump the Kingdom into the hands of either a notable pirate or the Revolutionary Army… It worked out that he came to us. I was only using Lvneel as an incubator for you to experiment on the Viking Rodents genetics. I can’t wait to read your reports.” the voice announced with immense glee.
“Of course, master. With these findings… We’ll be one step closer to your ultimate goal.”
“Yes. Why of course. To become one of the head saints… I’ll use any lesser human as a tool to the pinnacle.”
“As you should, Saint Sinclair. God permits it.” Stein responded in a zombie like manner.
________________________________________________________
- Goldmonger
[tracker=/t1979-dax-morgan#10865]
Name : Dax Morgan
Epithet : Goldmonger
Age : 25
Height : 6'5"
Weight : 250
Species/Tribe : Human
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Shichibukai (Future)
Crew : Gold | Works
Ship : Cleopatra
Devil Fruit : Goru Goru no Mi
Bounty : [ber=r] 27,900,000
Quality Score : S
Income Bonus : +0.20 (to all allies); +0.11 (from turf)
Shop Discount : -25%
Crew Pool : [bel=u] 251,075,000
Balance : [bel] 0
[[hardboiled]][[berryprinter]]
[[ancientzoan]]x2[[logia]][[firstaidkit]]
Turf : [turf=/t353-turf-details-rubeck-island#1168]Rubeck Island[/turf]
Posts : 235
Re: [Lvneel: Contestation Arc] [Part III] Disaster Breeds Sin - A Bittersweet Symphony
Sat Mar 20, 2021 11:53 pm
Though the Nox pirates were victorious in their conquest of Lvneel, it was only a single battle in the war to come. And with Stein's escape, one couldn't help but have a sour taste in their mouth ending on a note like that. That is, if you actually cared about that kind of thing.
"Oof." Dax mumbled as he watched the crew jump off one by one, almost as if programmed to do only that. "What a guy.. you almost gotta respect it."
"Oh yeah..." having forgot about the betrothal. "It's gonna be an open bar....right?" Glaring as his words trailed off. Any wedding worth a spit had an open bar, what kind of cheap bastard wouldn't pay for alcohol. Though before he could get his answer, he got the imp's idea of marriage, amd boy was it a doozey. "Yeah, kid. Thats exactly what it is. Bwhahahaha!" He billowed out as he wandered below deck.
Slinking away to his cabin, Dax opened the door to a room filled too the brim with gold and treasure. "Ahhh..." He sighed as he collapsed into the pile, the coins chiming on contact. "Been awhile since I...*yaaaawwwwwwn*... had a good nap..."
Port Asgar
The Wailing Calamity sailed into Port Thor, having come quite far since originally pulling into the quiet harbor town all those months ago. Funny how things seemed to work like that. The difference is this time they were welcomed as heroes. Banners waved in the air as cow bells chimed joyously. Flowers danced in the wind only to gracefully land on the water, carpeting the way for the monstrous ship.
There stood the queen and her precession, clad in white with a flowered crown, as if ready for a wedding. Sir Bearington stood at her side, now clean shaved and clothed in the finest of silks. Woven into a tunic fit for the queens hand. She was followed by her brothers, leaders of her kingsguard, wearing bright emerald armor emblazoned with a ramshead.
Behind them was what seemed to be an army of peasants, all gathered to see their conque- liberating heroes arrive back ashore. They banged on pots and pans, hooted and hollered. Their joy carried on the wind for miles, the majority completely unaware of what had really transpired. With so many hands in the pot, the pirates actions got mixed up and overshadowed by Stein and the Vikings. Problems on the forefront did well to obscure the emerging villains from the world at large, aside form Castor that is. The imp was already famous, now he owned an island from the shadows.
“Strange...” Paris muttered.
“What’s that..?” Sully questioned.
“Who would’ve thought... us.. here... shite, Annabelle there for fooks sake..”
“I know what ya mean, it is a bit fookin crazy. If only da were here to see it...”
“Yeah.. if only da were here too see it..” The brothers sulked together, dropping their heads until they each felt a bears paw descended upon their shoulders.
“Cheer up, Boyo’s...” The Terror mumbled with as a smile as he nodded to their sister ahead of them, seemingly glowing as the sun framed her figure. “Today is a new dawn, one signaling the revival of Lvneel. The revival of something great.”
With beauty and grace, Annabell stood firm as she awaited for her future husband's arrival.
558 (5,006/5,000)
"Oof." Dax mumbled as he watched the crew jump off one by one, almost as if programmed to do only that. "What a guy.. you almost gotta respect it."
"Oh yeah..." having forgot about the betrothal. "It's gonna be an open bar....right?" Glaring as his words trailed off. Any wedding worth a spit had an open bar, what kind of cheap bastard wouldn't pay for alcohol. Though before he could get his answer, he got the imp's idea of marriage, amd boy was it a doozey. "Yeah, kid. Thats exactly what it is. Bwhahahaha!" He billowed out as he wandered below deck.
Slinking away to his cabin, Dax opened the door to a room filled too the brim with gold and treasure. "Ahhh..." He sighed as he collapsed into the pile, the coins chiming on contact. "Been awhile since I...*yaaaawwwwwwn*... had a good nap..."
Port Asgar
The Wailing Calamity sailed into Port Thor, having come quite far since originally pulling into the quiet harbor town all those months ago. Funny how things seemed to work like that. The difference is this time they were welcomed as heroes. Banners waved in the air as cow bells chimed joyously. Flowers danced in the wind only to gracefully land on the water, carpeting the way for the monstrous ship.
There stood the queen and her precession, clad in white with a flowered crown, as if ready for a wedding. Sir Bearington stood at her side, now clean shaved and clothed in the finest of silks. Woven into a tunic fit for the queens hand. She was followed by her brothers, leaders of her kingsguard, wearing bright emerald armor emblazoned with a ramshead.
Behind them was what seemed to be an army of peasants, all gathered to see their conque- liberating heroes arrive back ashore. They banged on pots and pans, hooted and hollered. Their joy carried on the wind for miles, the majority completely unaware of what had really transpired. With so many hands in the pot, the pirates actions got mixed up and overshadowed by Stein and the Vikings. Problems on the forefront did well to obscure the emerging villains from the world at large, aside form Castor that is. The imp was already famous, now he owned an island from the shadows.
“Strange...” Paris muttered.
“What’s that..?” Sully questioned.
“Who would’ve thought... us.. here... shite, Annabelle there for fooks sake..”
“I know what ya mean, it is a bit fookin crazy. If only da were here to see it...”
“Yeah.. if only da were here too see it..” The brothers sulked together, dropping their heads until they each felt a bears paw descended upon their shoulders.
“Cheer up, Boyo’s...” The Terror mumbled with as a smile as he nodded to their sister ahead of them, seemingly glowing as the sun framed her figure. “Today is a new dawn, one signaling the revival of Lvneel. The revival of something great.”
With beauty and grace, Annabell stood firm as she awaited for her future husband's arrival.
558 (5,006/5,000)
- Castor O. Nox
[tracker=/t980-castor-o-nox#4771]
Name : Castor O. Nox
Epithet : Sanpaku | The Azure Pheasant | Duke Of Lvneel | Saint Nox
Age : 25
Height : 5'9"
Weight : 175lbs
Species/Tribe : Three-Eye Tribesman
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Blockbuster
Alliance : -
Crew : Nox Pirates
Ship : The Wailing Calamity
Crew Role : Captain | Navigator | Book Collector | Pride Sin
Devil Fruit : Goro Goro no Mi
Bounty : [ber=r] 620,000,000
Quality Score : S
EXP Bonus : +0.20 (To all allies)
Income Bonus : +0.42 (Turf); +0.10 (Blockbuster); +0.20 (To all allies)
Shop Discount : -20%
Crew Pool : [bel=u] 96,000,000
Balance : [bel] 2,470,815,020
[[baneoftheweak]][[riseandshine]][[dreamsneverdie]]
[[bookworm]][[untouchable]][[childofdestiny]]
[[punchoutguru]][[berryprinter]]
Turf : [turf="/t296-turf-details-lvneel#1110"]Lvneel[/turf] [turf="/t309-turf-details-st-poplar#1124"]St. Poplar[/turf]
Posts : 795
Re: [Lvneel: Contestation Arc] [Part III] Disaster Breeds Sin - A Bittersweet Symphony
Sun Mar 21, 2021 11:42 am
Sanpaku (산빠쿠)
Lvneel Private Grand Library - Asgar Castle
Entering into the library’s doors, memories of Castor’s childhood came flushing back to him. It was almost a decade and some since he’d spent his youth hidden away behind the pages of the former King and his general’s greatest collections. Tears almost welled up in his eyes, all wars always ended with a few small mercies, for these weren’t tears of sadness or remorse but joy.
Sealing the chambers to the library, Castor simply picked up the closest book off the shelf, the genre or subject matter didn’t matter, his journey to complete every book inside the room’s walls was a childhood goal of his, an escape from the grueling training sessions as a squire for his Master Jules.
The smell of the aged paper, the feel of the leather against his fingers - finger tips eager to caress the insides of the ink laden maiden. With a brief smirk and anxious sigh, the Duke of Lvneel began to read for pleasure once again.
It was a past time he purposely robbed himself of until his missions had been completed. This strange book was an odd one for his return to the literary realm, it touched on Lvneel’s rich history as a major exporter of wine. Random, but with a life geared towards revenge, an unplanned evening was exactly what Castor needed.
Next, a romance tale. After that, previous King’s journals, and as his thirst to read yearned, days passed.
Night Before The Wedding - Asgar Castle - Library
Dax and Newport spent their days boozing away, their newfound positions as ‘heroes’ and Dukes made the drinks flow easy, and the women even easier. Minerva didn’t really have much to do with the conquest, being a new recruit, she spent most of her days in the Castle’s Recreational Room, teaching the locals how to dance traditional steps from her home.
Now, Annabelle approaches the library after hearing news that Castor had locked himself inside since returning from chasing Stein. Only allowing doctors to check his wounds, and occasionally eat, described as a maniac who's been obsessed with reading.
Knocking nervously on the door, “U-U-Umm… Castor. It’s me. Anna. Can I come in?” his fiancée inquired awkwardly. Extending his hand like a lasso, the logia released the chambers locks while remaining seated at his position in the center of the library, sat at what’s meant to be the King’s work desk, almost fifty or so books completed, finished works resting on the ground, pending ones on the table.
Dressed in a red and white kimono, the pirate's wild unkempt hair covered his face, concentrated on the text before him.
“Come in.” Nox instructed.
Annabelle entered the room slowly, closing the doors behind her.
The woman had gained a bit more confidence over the last few months being dragged around with Dax, so what would’ve usually started with an elongated period of silence, began with Annabelle taking initiative to commence the conversation.
“My aid, Sir Bearington... has been going crazy with these wedding plans… After I keep insisting that we can progress at our own pace. I had to literally cry to get him…. Well… You know… Not have us ‘seal the deal’ when you returned from chasing Lord Stein at sea.” Annabelle explained.
Eyes glued to his readings, the man lifted his head slightly, fashioning his hair into a bun.
“I don’t understand you. Minerva explained a bit… Of what marriage would entail. Why did you originally agree to wait for my return from Paradise? You won’t be young forever. In our plan I clearly outlined that taking another King would suit-”
“I don’t want another King! I’m not some play thing for you to manipulate!” Annabelle shouted, finding herself getting readily upset at the pirate’s callous way of speaking. The woman’s words resonated with him, if anything, they confused him even more. Closing the book, for the first time in about four days, Castor ceased reading.
Slouching onto the table, he’d turn his attention to Annabelle. Making sure to maintain steady eye-contact, but now that he was paying attention to her, the woman’s confident bravado faded and her face flushed peach pink from blushing.
Pointing towards his third eye, “I keep it hidden most times out of habit… but you understand I’m not a regular human being. There’s a fairly strong chance our children would inherit my race’s oculus, your kingdom would be victim of prejudice among the neighboring states such as Flevance and Notice - for not only taking a Three Eyed Tribesman but a pirate captain as your King. Do you understand the stigma you’d face?” Castor explained, in a slightly, warmer approach from his usual cold way of talking to strangers.
Nodding her head in agreement, “Yes. I understand. Even though you agreed to the proposal probably out of some plot of your own. I still went along with it. I thought about it instantly. The last few days I’ve spent researching all about you, Sir Bastion. Your father, his relationship with the King, the situation with the Celestial Dragon… Sir Bearington explained it all.” Annabelle stated, approaching the desk slowly, seeking to retrieve a chair to sit opposite Castor.
Gashi Gashi Gashi Gashi
“Annabelle Dame. You are the first woman in twenty-five years- No, human to confuse me this much since My Master. I’m curious. If you’re aware of the dangers in taking my proposal, then why do you insist on this marriage now?” Castor retorted, absolutely puzzled by the woman’s intentions.
Obtaining her seat, the woman would sit in front of Nox, taking his Sake bottle off the table, and refilling his emptied cup. Nox enjoyed a bit of liquor with his reading, it brought him a bit of euphoria.
“Love. I think I’m falling in love with you.” Annabelle declared boldly.
A silence befell the room. Annabelle breaking eye contact from Castor started to fidget a bit.
Gashi Gashi Gashi
The Imp broke out into uncontrollable laughter.
“Hey! You’re not supposed to laugh at a woman’s confession Nox! Rude!” Annabelle shouted, pouting with tears in her eyes.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It just caught me off guard, I had a million and one reasons in my head as to why you were so persistent and none of them was your answer, so I just couldn’t help but laugh.” Castor responded, tears of his own filled his eyes from the constant laughter.
“Ah. What to do…” Castor thought to himself genuinely.
“Well trickery won’t work here so let’s try the second best thing, honesty. I can’t reciprocate your feelings.” Castor responded.
Annabelle instantly burst into tears.
“Woah Woah… Hold up. I’m not saying, no, either.” Castor declared scratching his hair nervously.
The woman’s face perked up, almost like a puppy who’d just been promised a treat.
Gashi Gashi Gashi Gashi
“Oi. Stop laughing.” Annabelle declared, getting extremely serious and violent, tossing a book on the desk at Castor.
“Fine. What I meant to say was this, I don’t understand the word love. My philosophy on life is simply, people use people for their own personal gain. From what I’ve read and been told, the idea of being in love is directly against my way of life. Selflessness isn’t a nature I possess. There’s a prideful voice in my head who gives me commands on what to do in a split second, and I just follow it. I assess all the routes, data, and information presented, and make decisions based on that.
On Swallow Island, when I originally fled Lvneel… I was set on dying there. I was an orphan with no skills except how to swing a sword and read. I couldn’t even talk much. I watched my father surrender my mother to a monster… For him to abandon me, and my only friend, and probably the first woman I loved was murdered by this Kingdom.
Newport. Dax. Stannis. Minerva. Cisco. Dr.Abio. These people I’ve met since returning to the world… I simply watch them and their wants because I desire for no one thing. Yet, each had a fixation. Whether it be women, money, power, fame, loyalty, honor… everyone I’ve met so far fought for a purpose, even your father.
Even in his mummified state… I got a sense of what kind of man he truly was. I’m saying all of this to say, you can have your wedding tomorrow but I won’t be attending. However, people have already been informed, so you should go to break the news to everyone.” Castor explained.
Annabelle’s face sunk into a depressive and gloomy state from the man’s conclusion.
Leaning over the table to rest his hand into cherry red hair, the man ruffled the woman’s head playfully, and for the first time, with affection.
“You’re such an easy person to read. However, my original offer still stands. I’ll marry you. Give you all the kids you desire. If you promise to support my voyages on the sea, I’ll return with a sense of who I am. I think that person might be a bit more equipped to be a ‘lover’ and ‘husband’ to you. Right now, I’d just get bored and never come back if I’m forced into a setup like marriage.
For now, Annable Damel, Queen of Lvneel - I just need you to do one thing for me. Be my shield. If I ever need to regroup, obtain supplies, funding or anything in between, be the person I can rely on. I’m offering you the same level of respect I offer Newport because you genuinely impress me. I won’t call off our wedding, just postpone it. Instead, we’ll have a banquet.” Castor explained, smiling warmly.
The woman’s eyes expanded widely in astonishment. It wasn’t the answer she’d resolved on receiving but it filled her with so much joy that she’d tackle Castor onto the floor, hugging him passionately.
“Oi. I understand you’re excited but you can’t just tackle- Where are you touching?! Stop it!” Castor shouted with a blank expression, rolling against the floor trying to detach Annabelle from him.
Day Of The Wedding
“Ahh…. he's all dressed up. How do I break this news to him?” Annabelle thought to herself, nervously waiting for the arrival of Castor.
Strutting into the court, accompanied by Newport, Minerva, and Dax, each of them decked out in snazzy outfits, the posse proceeded towards the throne. Following the three dukes and duchess were a series of caters carrying a variety of food, alcohol and general refreshments for the banquet that was about to commence.
In the courtyard, the remaining heads from the various families of the disenfranchised veils watched as the future king proceeded the red carpet to the altar. However, Bearington was annoyed by this display, especially since Castor was late and dressed more for a party than a wedding.
Annabelle and Castor’s eyes made eye contact, via non-verbal cues, he could tell the woman didn’t tell her personal advisor anything as yet. Chuckling to himself, he’d draw his Zaigo which was strapped across his shoulder, wrapped in bandages, and lunge towards Bearington, who’d reach for his own weapon.
“It’s Dame tradition right? For the head of the household to give away a family member as a bride when their father’s deceased.” Castor inquired, applying pressure after the initial strike, the two men’s swords locked into a stalemate.
“I don’t know where you’re going with this but yes.” Bearington responded, smirking but still flustered that Castor ruined his ‘wedding’ plans.
“It’s also a Dame tradition that men who clash swords must fight to the death.” Castor implied, leaking his bloodlust towards the warrior.
“Boy. I don’t know who you think I am… but I’m someone who accompanied Note during his time on the Grandline. This roundabout way ain’t my style. Say it with yer fokking chest.” Bearington barked, his controlled manner of speech defaulting into his accent.
“Enough Sir Bearington!” Annabelle shouted, rushing from her position at the altar to rest her hands on both men's wrists. "The time for fighting against each other is over. We'll rebuild Lvneel together... C-Castor. He's the one I've decided to bet on." Annabelle concluded.
Instantly, Bearington’s grip on his weapon weakened. His eyes made direct eye contact with Annabelle's own, and for the first time, the fierceness in her glare reminded him of a young Note for some reason. A stubborn glance that'd gotten them both in trouble many times in their youth, but for better or worse, it was a resolved stature he'd always respect.
“Is this what you want, My Queen?” Bearington dropped his sword and fell to his knees and bowed in respect.
Gashi Gashi Gashi Gashi
“By Dame tradition, you’ve abandoned a fight to the death. Meaning, you owe the person who owns your life a favor-” Castor declared, grinning confidently until his sentence was interrupted by Anna.
“There's no need to insult his pride... Cas'. Yes. This is exactly what I wish.” Annabelle chimed, resting her hand on Bearington's shoulder, commanding him to rise.
“She's matured significantly... Lvneel might have a future yet.” Bearington thought to himself, smiling widely.
“Whatever you command, Milady.” Bearington declared, bowing in respect, standing this time.
“I’ll postpone the wedding until I return to Lvneel from the Grandline. A simple favor is all I ask. Give me until then. Anna’s already in agreement, right?” Castor declared, ending the statement with a cheerful posed rhetorical question.
“Agreed Cas’.” Annabelle responded.
“Fine. However, I’ve summoned everyone who's anyone to celebrate this day! What do you plan to tell these people?!” Bearington barked.
Castor simply pointed over his shoulder, as the wedding attendants had already begun partying, turning the seating area for the bride and groom into a literally dance floor.
“We’ll do what pirates are known for best! Banquets!” Castor shouted, signalling to Newport to pour him a glass of Sake. Nox began to wrap the bandages back around Zaigo, strapping the blade over his shoulder.
“The aura… from that weapon… It’s subsiding. It’s faint now. Did something happen between those two? Even Note couldn’t get that weapon under control at first.” Bearington thought to himself.
“Interesting… I’ll let you off for now… Castor. O. Nox. You’re an interesting man to say the least. But if he breaks my Queen's heart, I'll cut his fokking manhood off.” Bearington concluded in his thoughts. Watching his mistress smile for the first time in years brought joy to his heart, Newport and Annaeblle fought to pour Castor a drink. The brothers hounded around the mentor to command an explanation for not continuing the wedding, and the once organized wedding had turned into an unsanctioned celebration.
Castor spread word of the celebration to the locals, and for the first time, in almost centuries, the locals and the aristocrats shared drinks and food together under their Queen’s radiant aura. Lvneel was war stricken, it’s resources plundered, leaders lost and people island wide still found distrust with the new crown, many of which had rallied for Castor to be King himself. However, in the next few weeks, Nox was about to change things in the country in a major way.
Flashback to the night of Castor’s and Anna’s heart to heart.
“Anyway… I’ve found our solution to the money crisis the Vikings left us with. Among some very interesting traditions of your family specifically, but I digress” Castor explained, sitting at the table once again.
Pouting, wanting to continue to fondle the Duke, the woman’s attention was retained when Castor gave her a slight jolt of electricity as a correctional effort.
“Hmm… What’s that?” Annabelle inquired.
“Wine. About fifty years ago or so, Lvneel had wine vineyards in every district. The soil here was famous for producing the richest berries in the world. Currently, I did some digging. An old bottle of Lnveel’s branded - Montblanc’ goes at around an average 25,000 to 50,000 Berri now. Lvneel stopped producing wine about twenty years ago. Do you know why?” Castor inquired, sliding the history book and private records for Anna to inspect.
Scanning the page highlighted, and cross referencing with the other notes Castor had made, the woman gasped.
“War. The conflicts between Flevance and Lvneel… Farmers- Even more citizens were drafted into the Knight’s Guard. If these figures are right… Since Vana never stopped producing wine… We’d have the infrastructure to expand across the Kingdom. If the old market value for one bottle is that high… A new stocked wine of the same quality would flood the market.” Annabelle concluded.
“Gashi Gashi… Correct. History can certainly direct us to the future. That’s why I’ve always loved reading. The older the records… The wider the world view. Solutions become happenstance and not miracle discoveries.” Castor explained.
“It’ll take some time… and resources… but with the right taxation plan-”
“I’ll offer you all the treasure I managed to salvage from the Las Camp situation (Dax's Treasure) and the Vana Governments personal reserves. Besides… Once you follow my plan to dissolve the veils, all of the individual families will have to surrender their fiances to the crown, you’ll have more than enough to get the project going.”
“Brilliant. Any idea of what we should call this new wine?”
Smiling warmly, he’d turn towards Annabelle.
“Yeah. I think we should keep the Montblanc’ branding… Our newest product however will be called Jules. I think the irony of her being tied to the Montblanc name in the end would have her rolling in her grave, at least that's what she'd let others believe... but I always knew… She loved this Kingdom and her family more than anyone else. Her open rebellion against them was just a sham. If I inherited my pride from anyone, it was her. Though, she’d never say that out loud if she was alive to see it.” Castor concluded grinning.
Fin.
________________________________________________________
- Gray
[tracker=/t131-tracker-gray-starks#504]
Name : Gray
Epithet : "The Conqueror"; "Black Fist"
Age : 49
Height : 10'2" (310 cm)
Weight : 1043 lbs (473 kg)
Species/Tribe : Cyborg Human
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Lurking Legend (Former Yonkou)
Crew : Black Fist Pirates (Destroyed)
Ship : Sangria's Vane (Destroyed)
Crew Role : Captain (Former)
Devil Fruit : Pressure-Pressure Fruit
Bounty : [ber=r] 5,000,000,000
EXP Bonus : +0.20 (to all allies)
Income Bonus : +0.20
Shop Discount : -30%
Balance : [bel] 25,000,000,000
[[strollingdeath]][[baneoftheweak]][[riseandshine]][[childofdestiny]][[freakofnature]]
[[punchoutguru]][[dulcetvirtuoso]]
[[improviseadaptovercome]]
Posts : 3990
Re: [Lvneel: Contestation Arc] [Part III] Disaster Breeds Sin - A Bittersweet Symphony
Sun Oct 24, 2021 5:45 pm
GRADING
ASSESSMENT COMMENTS
- Dax Morgan:
+ I thought Laz said that the reason why Lvneel is so Viking themed is cause Viking-themed people invaded it. But, from what it looks like in your intro post in the Vikings, Knights, and Pirates episode, the "Viking-themed" people who "invaded" Lvneel all served the Montblanc family from the beginning.
+ [scrapping the inner toppings of the omlettes into their egg coffins before tossing them onto the frying pan] I have no idea what this means.
+ [Trace amounts of dust had been mixed into the captains food, not enough to harm him] Gold is inert, and as such, not toxic to the human body in any way. That's why gold (and silver more commonly) shavings are used to garnish certain dishes. Unless, of course, you mean not enough to harm him by morphing into a needle or something and stabbing a hole into his stomach.
+ [Though he listened all the same as he finished his omlette and reabsorbed the metal onto his body as jewelry.] Wash that shit first bro. Lmao.
+ [As Castor spun around telling Dax to get ready, his face was met with Dax's gold covered fist, launching him through the now liquid gold wall, encasing him in the alloy as his small body was sent flying into the forest passed the two other knights, with the metal hardening immediately.] But why? This was completely random and unexplained.
+ The first and last paragraphs in this post are examples of how your paragraphs can sometimes be way too long. Try to break them up into bite-sized chunks so they don't become hard to read through. It is generally better to have too many paragraphs than not enough paragraphs.
+ [Sir Bizelle (beye-zell)] Still have no idea how to pronounce that. Bye-zell? Bay-zell? Bay-yay-zell? Lmao.
+ [...Castor atop a large work horse, similar to that of a Clydesdale...] You can use opportunities like this to do some lore-building. Rather than comparing the large work horse to a real-life breed, you can be more subtle and make up a breed.
+ [...Dax took a lap around the horse...] "Dax lapped around the horse".
+ [Once atop, he placed his right hand on the back of the animals neck before manipulating gold to over the animal and form into a decorative armor that kings would envy.] Ever the showman.
+ [There, Lord Bolden was nestled into the long legs of his uncle, his tiny hands clutching at his black slacks.] This sounded unintentionally sexual and creepy. I hope it was by accident - if not, please avoid any on-screen encounters involving kids that are even remotely sexual. It's one thing to imply characters as being pedophiles and another to show pedophiliac scenes.
+ ["Teaching time! Teaching time! I love teaching time!"] Relax, Ramsay.
+ I really liked the Note R. Dame and sons intro. They seem like a fun bunch.
+ ["My precioussssss…"] Lmaooo.
+ [Its pink stone and onion towers representative of the Montblanc's ancient architectural influence on the area.] This is an excellent example of describing the architecture and painting a picture rather than making a real-world comparison like "French-style building" or something. I liked the "onion towers" description a lot.
+ [The reason for this violation of human rights is the man known as Robert(Ro-bear) Montblanc III, the latest in a long line of kings that can trace its lineage back centuries, who i nothing more than a puppet to his court and vassal lords. Orphaned at an early age by a plague that swept across the country, claiming the lives of the vast majority of Lvneel's people. Thrusting the young boy into the role of king, as his father and uncles all perished from the sickness. Luckily, the then prince had survived along with several of the vassal lords, namely a Malice Stein who took the young boy under his wing, much to Lord Dame's disapproval. Lord Stein provided for the boy and left him not for want, setting up a hand picked court to lead him the right direction and groom him to be a just leader. However, in doing so the prince grew up to be a naïve king, having had little to no interaction with the common people throughout life, having only left Asgar once when he first became king to tour the holds. Though on the surface, Lvneel has no such injustice or terrible king, the people love King Robert and praise his name. He is sung about with love and admiration as all those blessed to call Asgar home love the life he allows them to lead with his naivety and ignorance. With Asgar being walled off from the other holds, the information the king is provided about them is very little as his court controls every word that is spoken to him. Leaving the young king subject to whatever truth they spin him.] There's far too much exposition in your narration sometimes. None of this was interesting to read. You have to pepper in exposition sparsely across your thread. It's one thing to write lore for the sake of writing lore, and another thing to write an interesting story that displays some of the lore supporting it. It also doesn't help at all that there were no paragraph breaks in this info dump.
+ Seriously, your paragraphs are really hard to read in bulk when they are this long and full of unnecessary and uninteresting details. No lie - I got a headache reading this post. You should try reading one of your threads from start to finish. Maybe you'll see what I'm talking about.
+ [Though, the knight is a man of very, very few words as he was born without the ability to form words...] Pretty much everyone is born without the ability to form words.
+ [Maribell Sue was originally Maribell Sue Waldon, the sister of the prickly Lord Waldon. It was a match between the daughter of the richest lord in Lvneel and the greatest warrior, it was a match made in heaven for the two families as they whored out their children to secure alliances and riches. However for the betrothed, it was a different story. As a youth, Lord Note earned his first recognition in a war campaign after he slayed a revolting lord and the seven knights protecting him by himself. His legend further grew after he set sail with the previous king during a Reverie and defeated an attacking pirate ship and out maneuvered their pursuit of revenge in the open ocean. However, he met a beautiful young women while at sea, she was a pirate they had taken prisoner and for those few months at sea, Note was blissfully happy for the first and only time in his life. When he returned, his pirate lover stayed at sea and he was greeted with the proposal, one in which he did not have a choice in the matter and out of honor, he fulfilled his duty. Maribell Sue on the other hand, she was ecstatic, she was at best an average looking girl and at her worst she was less than pleasant to look at. But she was rich, richer than any other heiress in the country and far richer than any beautiful pirate wench who would dare be competition. However, this excitement soon faded, as she quickly realized Note would never love her like she wanted him too, instead he would do his duty. After the birth of Annibell, Note no longer bedded the homely woman, growing far worse with age. As a result, the hag blamed the beautiful young girl and made her life miserable, having the poor girl wait on her hand and foot when Note is not around, which is quite often. The vassal lord finding any reason to avoid coming across his wife, for fear of her never ending list of complaints.] I realize that you're putting in a lot of effort trying to build lore in this thread. But, it means very little if it reads more like a history book.
+ [...his golden skin sculpting itself into a more feral, cat like appearance...] I like that Dax morphs the gold to reflect his mood.
+ [...he once more covered his skin in a protective coating to avoid the still soaring flames...] Gold conducts heat very well. Coating your skin with it wouldn't protect you from the searing heat. If anything, it would make it worse. There is a way you could bullshit your way out of it though. Heat is conducted through the vibration of molecules. Since you have complete control over gold, we can say you are able to temporarily suppress its heat conductivity by forcing the molecules to remain still. It would require extremely fine control over your fruit though, so, use it sparingly.
You could apply this idea in reverse as well. Use your ability to control the molecules to heat the gold up. This could be handy for you as a cook too. You don't need a stove if you're using golden utensils.
+ [He barked, using his left hand to reach inside of the boys mouth and rip out his tongue.] I hope Loha does this to Dax one day for showing disrespect. He would deserve it. Who needs a silver tongue when you can have a literal golden tongue?
+ [While the wolves were carved like thanksgiving turkeys with his elm street like claws...] Try and avoid direct real-life references like these.
+ Damn, that training collar on Fenrir was brutal.
+ [So, I got this weird fuckin bump right here, what do you think that is?] This scene reminded me slightly of the "rugburn" scene from Four Brothers. Lmao.
+ I like how Dax controls his pants with his belt buckles. Lmao.
+ [Dax said, snapping his fingers with a devilish smile on his face, sending Newport to his knees clutching at his stomach.] The betrayal begins!
+ [There, Dax dropped the shackled princess inside and sealed off the entrance to the shallow cave with a solid gold wall several inches thick.] Lmao, this is basically like advertising "Precious cargo inside and on the door". Also, where the heck did he get that much gold from? Retcon, please.
I also don't like that Dax stashed the princess like this. He should know by now that Castor has an almost uncanny ability to find hidden things. I also would've liked to see her become more of an inconvenient and uncooperative companion for Dax for a while. It's wasted character potential.
+ [...shoving passed the boy in armor.] You tend to use "passed" where "past" would be the correct word. "Passed" is a verb. "Past", in this case, would be a preposition. Here is a nice article that explains the difference.
+ I see you're breaking up your paragraphs a bit more in this arc. That's good. They can still be too long sometimes though. Try to have very frequent paragraph breaks when writing dialogue exchanges especially. It helps emphasize the lines. You'll notice this in most novels where each line of dialogue tends to get its own paragraph.
+ [His voice was as cold as it was calm, as chilling as the cold steel was going to be as it sliced through the young knights tender flesh.] Your descriptions can sometimes have awkward wording which takes away from the flow of the sentence. "His voice was calm yet cold like the steel of the knife he brandished."
+ [Names Aerin Note, you?] Shouldn't it be "Note Aerin" since it was "Note R. Dame"?
+ [Oh, don’t worry Bizelle, if it’s any consolation your men themselves don’t even know their spies.] Typos like this can be confusing sometimes. I assume you meant "they're".
+ If Ethel was a "Shadow", why was she not hissing like all the others? Not sure how that's supposed to work. Still don't know what Stein's DF ability is.
+ [“You can let your master know everything is going according to plan, the pirate has no idea he’s being played like a fiddle.” Tibias said with a hint a glee in his voice.] Ohhh, that's why! That's good, I like it!
+ [Bizelle retaliated, losing his cool for the first time in a very long time before buttoning his persona back up to his cool, calm, and collected aura.] For someone who supposedly rarely loses his cool, Bizelle sure seems to lose his cool pretty damn often.
+ [” She began shouting before Dax pinched the girls cheeks, puckering her lips before he planted a bloodied firmly on her mouth, forcing his tongue and one of his golden piercings down her throat before ending it with a satisfied lip smack.] Wait, isn't she a kid? Keep this shit off-screen, please.
+ If you're gonna kidnap and imprison someone, at least address or hint at how you're satisfying some of their basic needs. It seemed like Annabelle didn't even get to drink water.
+ Why is no one using firearms or artillery in Lvneel?
+ [Dax snickered, leaving two golden hand prints firmly on Raddotts buttocks {Curse of Dionysis -75% RFX} as he struggled to gain traction, “Not bad, you work out?” He said with a pinch and a wink.] Hah, gay!
+ Lmao, Raddott turning out to be half-mink was funny. Dax's reaction to being ambushed by electro after the monologue was great.
+ I like that by the second thread, Dax's party of three seems to have become really "tight".
+ Waldon felt like a very generic "evil shit" character. One-dimensional characters are acceptable only if they don't receive unnecessary focus. I also don't understand why Waldon's keep was suddenly being attacked by an army in Jotun.
+ I was genuinely hyped over Sir Barney Bearington still being alive.
+ Fantastic use of the combat system with the labyrinth. You made it short and sweet. Congratulations on being the first to make a "combat scene" without actual combat. I loved the part where a trap involved snakes, but, they were long dead. The dynamic between Dax and Annabelle was hilarious in that post too.
+ Whatever happened to Maribell?
+ [Bearington grunted as he turned to Castor, "It's settled, you shall marry on the eve of tomrrow so next you return to Lvneel. It can be consumated. Thus ensuring your lasting, bonding promise."] Didn't Castor just say he's not gonna marry her? (Which made no sense either.)
+ I really appreciate that you started breaking your paragraphs up much more. I hope you now see why it's important to do so.
+ That flashback of Dax's (maybe) first murder was fantastic.
+ [Though the Nox pirates were victorious in their conquest of Lvneel, it was only a single battle in the war to come.] Poor phrasing. It was a single war and many more would come.
+ [“Today is a new dawn, one signaling the revival of Lvneel. The revival of something great.”] It's cool when Barney says it cause I actually care about him. Though, I was forced to wonder if he is a zombie too. Then again, Stein did seem to imply he left someone behind. Maybe Barney is it.
- Castor O. Nox:
+ [Using the abilities from his witch craft, the man moulded them a stronghold made of gold secluded in the woods.] Would be nice to know how/where he got enough gold to do that.
+ [Exiting from his kneeling position, the shorty sprung to his feet, clearing his room.] This is one example - among many - of redundant details that derail the sentence. "The shorty sprung to his feet and cleared out of his room" would've worked better here. But, since this is an older thread, I'm hoping you've improved on this already.
+ [Lvneel has been through four wars in their Kingdom's History. They've won all of them.] Considering how old Lvneel is, four wars seems a bit low. But, I'll take it. "Four wars in the last hundred years" or something might've been more believable though for a French/Viking-themed nation. Then again, Dressrosa (which is a Spain-themed country) hadn't had a single war during the Riku Family reign until Doflamingo showed up. So, there's an unbelievable canon precedent already. Granted, the Riku kings were all implied to be peacemongers and conscientious objectors of violence.
+ [Anyone brave enough to approach this place had better have a reason, especially since it'd be extremely convenient to drop their bodies in the nearby shrubs.] Big talk coming from a small man. Lmao. But, jokes aside, this felt like the narrator was overcompensating by describing how "scary" Castor is.
+ [Then how can we as humble vessels of Lvneel say no.] Then how can we, as humble vassals, say no? Your grammar, spelling, and story-telling really suffered in some posts (like this one). Try not to rush out replies even if it comes at a cost of longer wait times. And please proofread your posts thoroughly. They are often littered with many typos and grammatical errors. The same goes for you, Dax. Your posts are often riddled with mistakes as well.
+ [...melting the gold and sparking parts of the forest life ablaze.] Do you want forest fires? Cause that's how you get forest fires. Australians and the Amazonians would hate you.
+ [...Jotun's architecture was styled in that of traditional French doctrine, mixed in with a bit of the more rural buildings from the Vikings Settlers that'd settled throughout the city...] You should avoid explicit comparisons/references to real-life cultures and countries. Instead, you should imply them through descriptions.
+ Castor's first brief encounter with Malice was written really well. I was intrigued to see them meet again.
+ [Lionel. Enough. Same goes for you Sir Castor and Dax.] I thought Castor was undercover? Typo?
+ [One by one, like city lights in public housing, the beady red eyes that gawked in the distance, retreated towards their pack. Disappearing like said lights that dwindle within each household as the time for slumber crept.] I really liked the use of imagery here.
+ Holy shitballs, info dumps galore. This whole exchange would have been at least somewhat more useful if Castor was eavesdropping on this conversation. Info dumps in dialogues like these are only impactful if you've built up the characters involved in them beforehand and made the reader care about them. Otherwise, it's all going in one ear and out the other.
+ I really liked Newport in this exchange. I really hope this was a flashback and not just a "dream sequence".
+ [...made it pass our...] I noticed you always say "made it pass". It's "made it past.
+ I do like the snarky back and forths between Dax and Castor a lot.
+ [However, as a child like glee filled Nox's face and heart, Castor grappled onto the handle attached to the line at his position. Electrifying the intertwined cables with his Goro Goro abilities, the imp shot off.] You know you could've literally just turned into electricity and conducted yourself up the wire, right? XD
+ [Dax probably appeared to be the more intimidating of the two, who wouldn't aim for the taller guy first?] Most people wouldn't. Everyone knows you take out the small fry first.
+ [“Are you a psychic or something? I won’t be lonely forever. I’ll be sure to give you the perfect show from the other side. As I slaughter your entire family, wiping them from history’s page for wasting my time. Oh and if your clan decide to haunt me, I'll have plenty of company. Poetic, no?”] That was a good comeback.
+ I think Castor might be too far gone to over the evil side after he and Dax massacred the Fiore village. Doubly so since their mission was literally just to bring back the amulet. I can't see him as redeemable after this shit. If you retconned a single child murder, whatchu gonna do about a literal child massacre?
+ [Expanding his Sixth Sense over the immediate area, after about twenty minutes of scanning Castor had discovered a slew of books buried beneath the town square, locked in a treasure chest.] Finding books buried using your "sixth sense" made no sense. I know you really like to flex Castor's haki and DF powers, but, to try to apply them in scenarios like this is a bit too much.
+ [Annabelle had a bad feeling about the man known as Dax, she wasn’t fond of pushy types or aggressive ones either. When it came to the maiden’s heart, the road to affection is meant to be walked gingerly. For her, there was sharpness in Castor’s words, a swagger in the cold way he’d refer to her, and she enjoyed it. Annabelle grew up in a house where no one truly adored her beauty, it was always her mother that was often complimented, in most cases, out of fear for her nasty mean streak. To be standing in the presence of the famous Masked Knight, the hero of Lvneel, she’d lie if excitement wasn’t the goal of her coming to the men’s den. The story of princesses being swept away by Knight’s of the court have often been tales she favored since young.] Damn, bro, that's a whole lotta self-succ. LOL.
+ I liked the duo's interaction with Annabelle. It was pretty heartwarming for a couple of no-good psychopaths.
+ [“We’ll save time if fly there on my Hino.”] I've mentioned this in another assessment, but, please retcon this bird's ability to fly people.
+ It's "province", not "providence". Big difference between the meaning of the two. You might be thinking of "Providence Island".
+ Noooo, not more boring exposition. None of this is emotionally impactful. Even Castor's declaration to want to be king fell flat. Castor's whole plot was nonsensical. It would've been better to literally just say "I'm gonna conquer Lvneel and make it mine".
+ [Most of the time my reputation and silver tongue holds up.] Self-succ.
+ [I guess a man whose been around politics has an edge.] Pretty much every person Castor deals with has been around politics. This point is moot or worded poorly.
+ [In that instant, the once clear blue skies that hovered in the early morning scene were replaced by violent, black and volatile lightning clouds. A singular pillar of lightning descended from the heavens, blasting the roof of the cathedral to nothing but plumes of dust from eviscerated stone.] I've mentioned this before but I'll mention it again. Castor cannot control clouds. He can certainly take advantage of them if they are around, but, he may not turn clear blue skies into a stormy sky. Even if it is just for dramatic effect.
+ [As many of you that can escape here today can run and go tell the King. I've returned home for my throne.] How are they gonna do that? A few paragraphs before, Castor declares that every single person there will die.
+ [...acted as effigies to Castor’s own subtle god like complex.] Nothing "subtle" about it. Lmao.
+ [However, with his keen sixth sense and auditory prowess...] You don't have to remind the reader every freaking time of Castor's "keen sixth sense and auditory prowess". The reader would get it after the first five hundred times it's stated in the thread.
+ Why does Tibias know who Castor's master was?
+ It was a bit off-putting how Castor left Zaigo behind at the end of the first part of this arc and then he suddenly comes back for Zaigo at the beginning of the second part.
+ The sudden use of Grace in the second part was also jarring. Especially since she became such a major part of the plot from the start (gathering an army for the Nox Pirates somehow). There should be direct continuity between the parts of your arcs and sagas.
+ [Assassin #1...] That's a poor and borderline rude way to describe a character - even if they're here to kill you. Lmao.
+ [...a man known by the back as Felt...] If Castor has no reason to be aware of someone's name, don't name them when writing from his perspective.
+ I really hope I won't have to read long and boring fights like this now that I've made it so that you can pre-roll your fights. There was absolutely no character investment here. Just another one of a hundred-and-one times Castor slices through small fry. The only relevant part here was the fact that Castor tried out his new sword (which, frankly, did not need a thousand words).
You really need to avoid writing really long-winded combat exchanges which pretty much all amount to Castor showing off. They really drag down your otherwise interesting plots.
If you do it simply cause you enjoy writing combat scenes like this, then please do me a favour and mark where they start and where they end and give me a brief summary at the end. Because it definitely is not enjoyable for me to read through.
The one part that might have made this fight even slightly meaningful was Castor's promise to spare Jean. And yet you went and killed her off very soon after. I was actually interested to see her character development. But, at least the Zombie Note twist was cool. Be careful with this DF ability though. Remember, Devil Fruits with the ability to revive the dead are banned.
+ ["Rather a dog to a God than a slave to my own demons, Mr.Nox."] That was a really cool line.
+ Some more context or explanation behind Grace and Abio's death would've been helpful. Grace came as soon as she went.
+ It's "scabbard" or "sheath", not "holster".
+ [] Ragnar being this big deal was kinda random. He got pretty much no character development whatsoever prior to his army raiding the entire country. This has officially turned into a clusterfuck.
+ ["It's the whitest sheets that always end up the dirtiest, chief."] Another excellent line. Though, it came at the tail end of a rather jarring encounter between Castor and Karl Nox. If he'd spared him, it would've been better character development. It would show that he has his destiny in his own hands even if fate dictated he kill his father.
+ The weird purple miasma stuff you have going on with Zaigo will have to go. It's fine for it to have a demonic aura, but, the way you're describing it makes it straight sound like a devil fruit ability.
+ You completely forgot Note's speech pattern after the first dialogue in this post.
+ This was an example of exposition done right. I liked Newport a lot in this post.
+ [You did well staying alive, Miss Annabelle Damne.] Her last name is "Note", bro.
+ [For about ten minutes, Castor would explain his ‘plan’, a secret that’d stay between Annabelle and himself.] Jesus. Ten minutes? Does everyone else just keep staring at them for that long?
+ [I don’t plan on returning to the North Blue until like a decade from now. No way she’ll wait for me that long. Works out in my favor.] Your plans are often full of gaping holes and ridiculous inconsistencies, man. Castor wants to be king and use her as a puppet queen (somehow without marrying her which is already ridiculous). He does this because he trusts she'll be loyal to him. And then he's like "no way she'll wait for me that long".
+ [The skilled navigator, once King, now Duke, commanded the sea fearing knights under his control.] Wait, what do you mean "once King, now Duke"?
+ I think one of the things that drags down your writing sometimes (at least with Castor) is your over-tendency to wax philosophical. See, waxing philosophical is cool and interesting, but, only if it's done sparingly. If you get all deep and introspective in almost every single post, your story and characters just become exhausting to read.
+ What exactly is Stein's DF ability? I'm still confused on that front.
+ I appreciate you also rolling your fight beforehand in the third thread and sparing me having to read post-after-post of mindless sword-swinging and eyeroll-worthy monologues. XD
+ [Was there a Poneglyph in his possession?] I was waiting to see what Lvneel's "dirty little secret" was. Nice to finally get some hints here.
+ [“Tell your master that Lvneel will never be bought. This era.... A new dawn is coming.” Robert concluded, a permanent smile plastered on his face.] This would've been a lot more meaningful if Robert had gotten more character development before this point.
+ [Your track record for hounding women behooves you.] Incorrect use of "behoove" here.
+ [“D-D-Do you even understand what a marriage entails?”
“Hmmm…. I read a novel once. It’s the political union between a man and woman to solidify the unity between two families right? Often used for socio-economic influence.” Castor rattled on proudly, nodding to himself in approval at his rationale.
“Hahaha! That’s one part of it. The other half is slamming yer c- '' Newport's words were cut short by the metallic clank of Minverva’s parasol into his midsection.
“Captain… as we sail back… Let me break this down for you.” Minerva explained sighing.
] This exchange was fun. XD
+ [“As you should, Saint Sinclair. God permits it.” Stein responded in a zombie like manner.] Ohhhh, that's ominous! So, Sinclair was the DF user all along?
+ Honestly, the whole "Annabelle falling in love with Castor" made very little sense beyond the superficial admiration of status and physical attraction - which, again, gross. Seriously, isn't she a kid? I feel like I missed the part where she grew up a bunch of years.
+ [Chuckling to himself, he’d draw his Zaigo which was strapped across his shoulder, wrapped in bandages, and lunge towards Bearington, who’d reach for his own weapon.] Wait, what? Why?
+ That final post was a mess and way too convoluted for the conclusion it brought. I did like seeing a happy ending for Barney. I'm glad his initial care for Annabelle came back around in the end.
- Overall:
+ While I did not love the meat of the Vikings episode, I have to say the meeting in the last third of the quest was very engaging. I loved it. It almost made up for all the boring info dumps. I still think all that overkill on exposition really hurt the story, but, man, was that last bit awesome. The meeting also helped me better understand who's who.
+ As for the arc, first of all, I wanna say great job on creating a grand and ambitious plot. The ambition and some great moments are what saved you guys from a score of A.
Beyond those great moments though, there were far too many subplots and characters that fell flat or simply weren't worth the investment. A lot of the "plans" Castor made were unnecessarily convoluted and ultimately pointless too. I did not like the sudden and jarring shifts in characters either sometimes (e.g. Castor suddenly being remorseful - you should've never written him into an irredeemable corner in the first place. Or when Annabelle suddenly became "mature". Her growth should've been more gradual and deliberate).
All in all though, a solid effort. My favourite part of this whole beast was definitely that meeting in the Vikings thread. I'm also looking forward to seeing what you cook up with Stein and Sinclair in the distant future.
+ Please get in the habit of thoroughly spell-checking and proof-reading your posts, guys. If I keep seeing this many grammatical errors and typos in your quests in the future, I'm gonna have to downgrade you to As.
REWARDS
- Dax Morgan:
Difficulty Bonus: +50% (+2)
Quality Bonus: +200% (S)
Length Bonus: 2.0 (24,939 words but bumping to >27,000 words since you literally wrote a saga in the Vikings episode - never do that again.)
Apology Bonus: +120% (For the long-ass wait.)
EXP Multiplier: +10% (Castor's Punchout Guru)
Income Multiplier: +0%
EXP: +2,400 (2*250)*(1+0.5+2+0.1+1.2)
Berries: +451,200,000 (2*60*800k)*(1+0.5+2+0+1.2)
Bounty: +27,900,000 | {There's no way Dax was still anonymous.}
Old EXP: 3636
Updated EXP: 6036 (You have 24 level ups. Let me know where you want your +480 stats distributed.)
Old balance: 66,537,500
New balance: 517,737,500
Old bounty: 0
Updated bounty: 27,900,000
You also earned an [[ancientzoan]] which has been added to your inventory.
- Castor O. Nox:
Difficulty Bonus: +50% (+2)
Quality Bonus: +200% (S)
Length Bonus: 2.0 (>27,000 words)
Apology Bonus: +120% (For the super long wait.)
EXP Multiplier: +10%
Income Multiplier: +10%
EXP: +2,400 (2*250)*(1+0.5+2+0.1+1.2)
Berries: +768,000,000 (2*100*800k)*(1+0.5+2.0+0.1+1.2)
Bounty: +20,000,000 | {Castor's bounty was already way too high for what he's accomplished.}
Old EXP: 8000
Updated EXP: 8000 (Already at level cap for the Blues. Let me know who the 2,400 EXP goes to.)
Old balance: 184,584,688
New balance: 952,584,688
Old bounty: 480,000,000
Updated bounty: 500,000,000
You also earned an [[ancientzoan]] which has been added to your inventory.
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