[Episode] The Secret Down Below

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Anton La'croix

• You frequently make use of the phrase “I mean” in your descriptions. The use of first-person pronouns in descriptions aren’t completely unusual and they aren’t unheard of either, but they shouldn’t be overused.
  
• When Anton exclaimed, “They were bugged!” (In reference to the two Knights shot down by archers), I chuckled. I don’t know if the pun was intentional, but on the off chance that it wasn’t, I felt it was necessary to bring it to your attention. *pat on the back for you~*
  
• There were some golden moments in your descriptions where you could have further elaborated on Anton’s descriptions. Especially considering how Anton is a character with an incredibly funny personality and his behaviour could have been elaborated more to highlight the more humorous sides of his actions. One example is his tendency to fly into battle screaming in fear. The idea is hilarious (at least for me), especially when he’s in his grasshopper/hybrid form. Imagine a giant green insect, carrying a sword, swinging it wildly, and screaming bloody murder. Even in the One Piece world, that’s not normal. Exaggerating these features can call for an incredibly entertaining read. Of course, if you aren’t hoping to write from a comedic point-of-view, then that’s completely fine and disregard this comment. However, I’m just saying, you’re missing out on a golden opportunity!!!
  
• Where did Celia go in the middle of the fight? And she never came back?? I must have answers!!!
  

Castor O. Nox

• Goodness, that blue is really hurting my eyes. Please, please reconsider ever using it again. Edit: Thank you for changing it before the grading finished
  
• There were a few minor typos in your posts, particularly in relation to words like “were” and “we’re”. My theory is that you’re writing your posts on your phone and so it’s autocorrecting words into contractions even when you don’t mean them to be. Perhaps proofreading a couple more times could get those nasty buggers out?
  
• Seriously, that goddamn blue text.
  
• The red isn’t so good either. Totally not forcing you to never use it again though. Not a nitpicker. Nooooope. Completely up to you.
  
• Wait, so Castor announces he’s had his logia abilities for as long as he remembers, and then he promptly thinks about when he “became” able to use them? He even mentions aloud “before” he gained his abilities to Helix. So was Castor bluffing to him? In which case, weird flex, bro.
  
• When the ground collapsed and everyone within 100m fell into the catacombs below the city, I was seriously confused for a bit because the whole scene lacked clear descriptions. I managed to fill in the details after reading through the post again a couple more times, but even now, it’s all very vague. I understand your posts are long enough as they are, but I don’t generally recommend sacrificing details to minimise word count (don’t worry, I’ve been told to avoid making this mistake too).
  

General

• The marines shouldn’t have had a solid reason to run at the mention of a Celestial Dragon, unless there was a reason I missed? They are technically on the same side, after all. Perhaps, they wanted to have nothing to do with the Celestial Dragons because they realised they were evidence of the one big contradiction to being on the side of “justice”; “the ignorant are innocent” and all that. However, it’s still an unnatural transition to get the marines out of scene.
  
• On the same note in regards to the Celestial Dragons, it’s a little rude and possibly blasphemous for anyone to scatter and scream at the sound of their name, no? Surely the mention of their name would instil silent fear or dread if anything? They are forced to kneel in their physical presence after all; wouldn’t a similar effect (even if weaker) be instilled by the sound of their name or anyone associated with them?
  
• There wasn’t a lot of build up between various scenes. It would have been nice for more details throughout the “investigation” period of their “mystery”. Rather than making it seem as though Castor and Anton had surmised the situation themselves, it felt as though the conflicts and resolutions were smacking the two characters one after the other.
  
• A proper introduction to the two main antagonists should have been given. By the time they were fighting, I’d still have no clear idea who they were, what they fought for and was thus not at all invested in their actions and reasons why they were attacking.
  
• More interaction between Castor and Anton would have been nice. As it stands, it doesn’t seem like they’ve interacted much at all and towards the end when Castor avoids attacking Anton, it seems unusual. In fact, it seems more natural that Castor would include the marines in his attack, given the “big, bad, bloodthirsty” pirate he’s coming across as.
  

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Anton La'croix
Difficulty Bonus: +25% (+1)
Quality Bonus: +25% (B)

EXP: 75 [50 + (25%*50) + (25%*50)]
Berries: 9,750,000 [(250k*26) + 25%(250k*26) + 25%(250k*26)]

Old balance: 8,362,500 berries
Updated balance: 18,112,500 berries

You've leveled up from this quest! Please let me know how you'd like to distribute your +20 stat points on Discord.

Castor O. Nox
Difficulty Bonus: -10% (-1 - you made an error with your boss's stats an unintentionally lowered your difficulty bonus)
Quality Bonus: +25% (B)

EXP: 58 [50 + (-10%*50) + (25%*50)]
Berries: 16,100,000 [(250k*56) + -10%(250k*56) + 25%(250k*56)]
Bounty: 20,000,000 | {For putting innocent citizens at risk and indirectly challenging a Celestial Dragon}

Old balance: 23,700,000 berries
Updated balance: 39,800,000 berries

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Castor O. Nox

- Look up the difference between "council" and "counsel".

- Grammatical errors and inconsistent tense is still an issue.

- You tend to convolute your words to the point where it's difficult to discern their meaning. "For his six days in the role, he'd turned in at least four groups of Bandits who'd been on the run in the Kingdom for crimes he'd done himself thrice over in his small-time here." This line is a good example. Now, I assume what you mean is that Castor himself had committed crimes similar to what he was arresting people for. But, to me, this line sounds like Castor was responsible for the crimes that he was arresting (and framing) bandits for. Even if the latter is what you meant, the line is confusing.

- Holy shitballs, exposition. Another issue with many of your plots is your habit of throwing names around like they're supposed to mean something to readers. You have to remember that most of the folk who read your threads will not have the context you seem to expect them to have. Your plethora of characters, historical events, and mentions of places should be introduced slowly so as to not overwhelm and confuse the reader. I'm guilty of doing this too, so it might sound a bit hypocritical, but because I make this error sometimes, I become more aware of it when others do it too.

- I really enjoy your uses of certain sayings (e.g. "It's bad luck to be cheap with a dead man's purse").

- Castor wearing a mask is an important fact that should probably be made known sooner.

- I was not convinced by how easily the two knights started spilling their guts about the Celestial Dragon. I'm not against their decision to expose the plot. I just feel like that decision could've been justified better. Also, if the knights were making such revelations in the presence of the other customers at the bar, some form of reaction from them would've been impactful.

- I really like how Stain is being built up as a major antagonist. I enjoy it when characters are mentioned and foreshadowed long before they are brought into the frame.

- When Castor transformed into his intangible state and moved for the first time, it would've been nice if you'd described what that might look like to a bystander. Would they hear the crackle of thunder before you disappear from sight? Would they hear slight buzzing, electric noises? Anton's initial transformation was quite descriptive, so I was hoping you'd match that.

- "Before leaving, he'd raid the dead corpses" > "Loot" would be a more appropriate word here as opposed to "raid".

- Your boss' level dictates that his total stats should've been 1400, not 1200. You accidentally fought a -1 difficulty boss instead of a +1.

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Anton La'Croix
- Repeated words/phrases are common in your writing. If you don't already do this, I'd recommend keeping a thesaurus open when writing!

- It's "Lvneel", not "Lyneel". It's a stupid name, I know, but all names are stupid in one way or another.

- "Warrant Officer", not "Warrent Officer".

- The point-of-view you're using to tell the story seems to be first-person in some cases (but not from Anton's perspective). This isn't really a big issue, but it's something you should be aware of.

- I did notice a few grammatical errors here and there, but your posts seemed technically sound for the most part. I still recommend diversifying your vocabulary a bit through the use of a thesaurus though. Sometimes, the posts can become monotonous.

- I agree with Alice. It was a bit odd that the marines ran from the mere mention of the Celestial Dragon's name. I personally think it might have been more dramatic if you'd used shocked expressions from the marines to display the tension in the room. A simple mention of a Celestial Dragon being involved in something shady shouldn't provoke that sort of chaos.

- I'm assuming your first use of Sonic Cannon didn't put that technique into cooldown. If it did, you didn't read my comments in your last quest thoroughly enough. You only have to use your official techniques when you're fighting bosses. Any uses of them outside of those fights do not need to be recorded or have their cooldowns tracked.

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General
- There were many tiny errors during combat this time around. I've discussed some with Castor in person. This is okay for now though, because we didn't have the new tracker templates which make tracking combat a lot easier now. As such, I will do my best to ease everyone into the combat system during the world event so that everyone is on the same page. Thanks for your hard work guys!